My Year-end Inventory is something I’ve been doing ever since I began journaling daily twenty years ago, in 1999. My journal began with a Christmas present from my father:
Morning Pages Journal. I’ll tell ya – neither he nor I had any idea the wildfire that simple gift would ignite.
Twenty years ago today
A case could be made that it saved my life. Although, another case could be made that that was just one of many. Somewhere in these pages I recall writing about the many times I’ve been real, real close to THE END. I keep coming back to the temptation to take the easy (or hard) way out. Here’s the first entry I made:
Depression comes and goes
So yeah, Depression comes and goes. I don’t know if there is really, truly a cure, ever. But there are ways to manage the ups and downs. Writing is surely one. It’s the talking/thinking cure. Sure, it’s talking to yourself and not as good, as talking to a face that cares. But that’s not always possible.
The most significant achievement I accomplished this year was the termination of my therapy. We’d been at it, me, for over two years. And yeah, she saved my life, too. When writing wasn’t enough I needed a face–a kind, sympathetic, beautiful, smart one. Who gave me her undivided attention.
Okay, sure, I had to pay her. And fortunately I had the money. Because there was no one else, because my father had died and all my “friends” had abandoned me. Which caused a recurrence of suicidal thoughts, etc. and so on.
There are many ways to take “My Year-end Inventory”. This year I’m using Eric Barker’s criteria for success from his book Barking Up The Wrong Tree. Barker denotes four categories under the rubric of “success”. They are: 1) achievement 2) significance 3) happiness 4) legacy. [I did not finish reading the book. And yes, said therapist and I briefly spoke about this.]
Ending therapy. The decision was reached agreeably. Actually with laughter. We were done, or, had gone as far as we could. She saved my life! Can I save her? She never never asked. And so but – money well spent.
Somewhat, I think. I held fast to my support for Donald Trump, and continue to do so. Because of the publication of my book Election 2016, and it’s prescience. And perhaps, its future impact on understanding the human condition. In other words – who we are and why we do what we do. Both as individuals and collectively. [I was right!]
Like Depression, it comes and goes. Sure, I’d like to be always happy and in a joyful state of mind. But … if I were, the economy and the peopled-world would collapse. Think about that. Just saying. What would said Therapist and I have to talk about?
And, I was never happier than when I was in her company. Talking about me. Which depended upon my unhappiness and suicidal thoughts. Think about that! Just saying.
Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. Just saying … It is the Infinite Jest.
And yet, I have my own interpretation. Of which, interpretations, there are many.
What? Meaning that which is handed down.
Hmm? That’s a big one.
I’ve got one, for sure. Books, furniture, an art gallery, a house, my son Jake [dig it], step-children, and so on. Influence and/or impact?
It was a very good year. Thanks to my therapist, my son, my brother, my father, books, music, whiskey, beer, friends, progress, life, the USA and Donald Trump.