“Why am I here? is the question I’ve been asking myself lately. I can barely read this page and what I’m writing. And so I posed the question to my neighbor and my best friend. [different people] Because, maybe they might know. My neighbor, here at the South Lincoln Resort, answered: “I don’t know. But I can drive you up to the mountains and we can take care of that.” He was kidding, I think.
My friend, for over sixty years, said he’d been having the same thoughts as me.
Then I pressed him and he said this: “Because my wife still loves me.”
“Fair enough”, I said, “Rings true to me.”
However, I don’t have a wife. And yet …
I did have a therapist, a Psychologist, for almost nine years. She did not love me like a wife would, in some ways. However, perhaps in others, much more to my liking. Let’s talk about that.
Psych-girl
Psych-girl has a Doctorate in Psychology and is licensed to practice in Colorado. I began seeing her in the summer of 2017, for reasons not germane to this post. She was the smartest person I’ve ever had conversations with. We had what I called “intellectual intimacy”. Notwithstanding that it was, for the most part, one-sided. The opposite of intellectual loneliness. We spoke the same language. Moreover, like me, she was forthright and honest, with a dry sense of humor.
And then we had to quit. Because of state and federal rules.
Medicare and Medicaid
For the first eight years I saw her, I paid her cash. Self-pay it’s called. I had no insurance. And then, beginning in March of 2026, at the age of seventy-six, I became a beneficiary of Medicare and Medicaid. What a nightmare.
There are rules, that make no sense whatsoever. Those rules state that she cannot see me because we are in different “networks”. Notwithstanding that we are separated by a mere thirty-four miles of straight, paved, US highway. Even though, during the Pandemic Shut Down, we established a “telehealth” session apparatus that allowed us to chat via The Internet. We could see each other and talk in real time. It wasn’t ideal, but it served the purpose.
She suggested I find someone local to talk to. Because she had to obey the rules that governed her professional licensure. I took to the Google and searched. And this happened, perhaps even more stupid.
More Stupid Rules
I located a clinic and provider I thought might be a good fit–given her profile on their website. They were located just a mile and a half from the South Lincoln Resort. The LMFT (licensed marriage and family therapist) re’d within twenty-four hours.
A Good Wife
A good wife, err, therapist is hard to find. As I stated, Psych-girl is a super smart, super credentialed therapist who was a perfect fit for me. Finding another seemed like a fool’s errand to me. After all: Why would a man leave a wife he was perfectly content with? The grass is greener? Variety is the spice of life? For adventure?
Anyway, I kept searching. I found another, a LCSW (licensed clinical social worker). We had a session and … pffft.
It’s like dating! I recall what that was like. There is, or is not, a spark. At this juncture in my life’s journey time becomes a factor. Furthermore, upon reflection, I think I’m done with therapy.
Why I’m Here
To answer the question, “Why am I here?” – I’d love to be able to talk with Psych-girl about that. However, the law prohibits that. So here I am at the South Lincoln Resort in Loveland, Colorado. The best I can come up with is that I still enjoy writing, thinking, and drinking. AND, listening to music!
I’m not sure if that’s sufficient. That sounds selfish, self-centered.
I’m in a lot of pain. It hurts to move. Reading is really hard.
I went to a local eye doctor. He told me he could fix me up with glasses that could make that easier. Or, I could have surgery. I don’t want surgery. I want new glasses.
As it turns out, new glasses would be expensive. (What isn’t?) Moreover, Medicare won’t pay for the glasses! However, it will pay for the surgery. To me – something smells rotten.
Is that it? Why I’m here?
In Conclusion
In conclusion – I’ve got no answers. However, I do like whiskey, writing, and music. Still.
Moreover, Psych-girl’s counsel is sticky: ” Take care, and don’t drink too much whiskey. I’m rooting for you.”
Okay. Is that enough? What do you think?